Geez, Now What

Category: Blog

  • Entering a New Decade

    I just turned seventy years old yesterday. Years ago I had thought I would reserve a big table at one of my favorite restaurants, invite my closest friends and we would eat, drink and be merry. The thing is two of my best friends have died and my partner of forty-one years was dead as well. How could I reach such a milestone and have them not there to celebrate with me. The party would of felt lonely.

    I woke up like every other day, except it was my birthday. My best friend, who I now live with left me a birthday note alongside a chocolate cake with a waiting candle to make a birthday wish on. I drank my morning coffee reading Facebook greetings and texts from friends and family far and near. Later in the day, I grabbed a quick lunch and spent time at the beach. The salted air and rolling waves brought me comfort. I sat quietly thinking about what is next and tried to understand what it means to be seventy. Before my thoughts got too deep, the phone rang. It was my college friend Nancy. We had a good talk. Her voice reminded me of who I was. There is something very grounding about knowing people from a time when one hardly knows themselves. I also talked with my mother-in-law and that reminded me of how I am loved. Later that night, Julie and I celebrated with pizza, a few gifts and that chocolate cake with a candle to make my wish on.

    I still miss those who are gone. But was glad to know I made it to seventy, still had people around me who cared, and was free to do whatever I wanted the whole day. Happy birthday to me.

  • I Was a Christian Child

    I Was a Christian Child

    While applying for marketing work with a church, I was asked to write about my past and current relationship with Christianity. I thought I would share it here as well.

    My father and mother were both Catholic as were their parents. I grew up with the usual teachings and celebrations of Christian life like Christmas, Easter, Lent, confession, and attended Saturday catechism with the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. Mass was part of my Sunday mornings. I was Baptized, received my First Holy Communion and Confirmation. I loved the ceremony of it all and those fond memories remain to this day. I felt like I was a part of something.


    When I was twelve, I kissed the bishop’s ring during the Confirmation ceremony. After that, my mom gave me permission to find my own way, to learn about other religions and cultures. Even as I began my own discovery, Jesus and Christianity was always prominent at home, the wooden cross with a hidden bottle of holy water kept inside its sliding front panel, the ceramic statue of the Virgin Mary on my mom’s dresser, the Ten Commandments plaque in my own bedroom, and the ever-present drawings and charms of the Guardian Angel. I still have Guardian Angel tokens to this day.


    After fifth grade, I did not go to church regularly or any other religious instruction. I set out on my own journey; I had the tools of belief I needed. In my heart, I never left the church or it’s rituals. I did however convert the teachings of Jesus into what I called source and still do. Source can be anything you need it to be. To me, it is more inclusive. Source can be found in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, and Spirit.


    I believe and practice being a good person. One can claim to be a good Christian, but they may not be a good person. I believe actions speak louder than words, that we are all God’s children and deserve love. I believe we should not turn our backs on those in need or may feel lost. I believe in kindness and listening. I believe everyone does the best they can.


    I still consider myself a Catholic from birth and enjoy continuing the traditions. I am, however, not locked into practices that separate us. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, just do not judge me for mine. I wake up each morning thanking God (source) for the day and when I am close to death, I will thank God for for the life I had.

    Amen.

    Wooden cross
  • Not Looking Away

    Not Looking Away

    Like many of us, I try to be healthy. I just want to feel good and strong. Like many of us, there is work to do. My work is to shed pounds and move more. This year I will be 70 in November, and I want to feel better than I do today. Yeah, I am eating less and choosing fresh and nutrient rich foods and doing easy yoga online with Silver Sneakers. But what is really keeping me motivated is watching a television show called My 600 Lb. Life. These people are big! I watch in unbelievable aw what these people eat and how some are bed bound trapped inside their own oversized bodies. Although I know my struggle is not their struggle, seeing how big a body can get makes one want to have the best healthy body possible. So, I watch.

    It feels like some sort of behavior modification. Like when people are arrested for drunk driving and part of their rehabilitation and punishment are forced to watch car accidents where drunken people cause deadly accidents. These scenes are filled with blood, broken bodies, and mangled metal.

    Watching 600 pound people eat donuts and pizza may not be as disturbing as Stanley Kubrick’s classic film, A Clockwork Orange where Malcom McDowell (Alex) has surgical pieces inserted into his eyes, forcing his wide open eyes to watch horrific acts of violence. But it is close. And those remembered images keep me from buying pastries and candy.

  • Letting Go

    Letting Go

    Already a month into the new year, I finally find myself excited about the possibilities to come. But it was not easy.

    It has been a good couple of weeks concerning looking for work. I had some hopeful job interviews, some gentle rejections and even made it as a finalist with an organization that has a purpose and I really wanted to be a part of it. This full-time position paid well with super benefits and had a young vibrant staff.  The interviews lasted over three hours; I spoke with the leaders, shared ideas, and had a few laughs. It all went so well.

    Interviews are so strange. You prep, pick out your outfit and hope you are going to have a good hair day. You meet new people, and they ask you questions. Questions about the work you have done, your ideas, and asking surface things about who you really are. I get to do the same, but it is different. The directors, or bosses and staff are not being judged or examined. Are they really hearing what I have to say? Are their minds already made up halfway through the interview? Do I really have a chance of getting hired? I always give it my best shot; hope they get me and then I wait to hear back with a decision.

    Well, I heard back from the place I really wanted to work with, it was the usual response, “The committee met today, and we have decided to pursue other candidates.” Those words hit me like a brick. I felt so sure this was the one. After a few days of moping around and feeling defeated, I realized it is not the work I do but the age that I am. I could have been anyone’s mother. No one really wants to collaborate with their mother. I just do not fit in anymore. I concluded that my professional leadership role career is over. This led me to another few days of moping, this time with tears. I was morning the end of something I have done my whole life… creating a life around the work I do. Now I need to create a world around the life I want to live while looking for passive part-time work that satisfies my financial needs.

    I am now embarking on a new journey. I am learning how to spend my days doing what I want to do. That may be writing, reading, hooking up with friends, getting back to the museums, discovering the city again, and finding hidden treasures in nature. I am no longer in the rat race. I can surely say, “I am semi-retired looking for part-time work.